Laughter is the Best medicine - according to the Reader's Digest!

She hangs onto Mike's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the reunion are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,

'Mike, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Mike replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They're amazed, but continue to ask. 'So, how did you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Mike replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Mike smiles and says, 'No, I told her I'm 90'.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.   

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news.    The donkey died.'"

Chuck  replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."  

The farmer said," 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already."  

Chuck  said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."  

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"   

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."  

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"  

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." 

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" 

Chuck said, "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."   

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"  
 

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won.  So I gave him his two dollars back." 

Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model

The women won.
 

As the speck got closer and closer it became a figure clad in a black wet suit striding from the surf . Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous redhead!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and asked: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket  and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took the cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish Whiskey?" asked the redhead . Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, she reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket and handed him a flask. He opened it and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous redhead started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole where it hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'

'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'

'Social Security sex?'

'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

I've often been asked,  "What do you old folks do now that you're retired?"
Well..I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.   
And we're pretty damn good at it!